Calibrating...

Today, I bought a Wii Fit Thingie (itsa board, itsa game, thus dubbed ‘Thingie’).  This purchase was done in typical ‘Mii’ fashion.  Do I technically own a Wii?  No.  I’m borrowing a Wii console from the residents of The Lane since they have every known video playing device since and including Atari hooked up to a monster flatscreen TV in the Man-Cave.  In fact, the extraction of the wee little Wii from the cable collective required meticulous precision and the steady hand of a neurosurgeon cutting tie wraps and detangling chords and wires and stuff.  Anyway, Girly Girl Manor has the use of a Wii and now ownership of a Wii Fit Thingie.  I got me a huge ‘bar-gann’ on Thingie because I bought it for a fraction of the price on Kijiji (cyber buying/selling-site extraordinaire).  The man I purchased it from was so nice. He happily delivered it directly to me AND complimented me on my outfit.  Better service than most retailers.  I am such a smart consumer.

I would soon understand why he was happily selling Thingie barely used and fresh out of the box only once.  I would realize quickly why he showered me with compliments of my attire; he knew what Thingie was going to do to my ego.  But for me, I ignorantly trotted off with my bargain and unveiled my grand purchase to The Monkey declaring Thursday to be Pizza and Wii night!  Woo Hoo!

So The Monkey, who is very knowledgeable about all things Wii, informs me how to navigate through and assign our cute little Mii’s (which we had earlier created and made sickeningly adorable and mother-daughter matchy matchy).  So there we are, perched big-grinned on the couch, anticipating our maiden voyage of Thingie.  I am feeling moderately smug, such a good deal.  AND this Wii-fun extravaganza is right up my alley; fun with goals, objectives, timelines, healthy activity...it is perfect.  I even get to go first.  This. Truly. Is. Exciting.

First of all, I step on the board and it sighs. SIGHS.  Apparently I’m too heavy for the board and it needs to tell me this.  After a short calibration (it’s that bad you need to calibrate?), it asks me my age and my height.  Okaaay, how bad can that be?  Then it asks me how heavy are the clothes I’m wearing.  Thingie must assume I’m going to account for clothing weight?  Sure.  I choose ‘snowsuit and cement boots’ as the option.  Calibrating again (not good).  Thingie then declares my BMI number (Bullshit Mathematical Insult) in big bright letters next to a colourful bar scale ranging from “oh look how cute and fit you are” to “you obviously have given up on yourself”.  Adding insult to injury, my cute perky, happy little cute fit Mii is simultaneously transformed into the pathetic bulbous character who looks, old, tired and completely defeated.  A perfect likeness to me.  

Oh.  It gets better.  

Next Thingie assesses my balance.  Apparently Thingie doesn’t read my blog.  Balance? Really?  “Oooopsie!  You are slightly off balance.  Perhaps you’re not using your abdominals enough and it’s affecting your posture and ability to stand upright.  You probably spend too much time sitting at your desk at work and not enough time with your family being active.  More core work will help you not waste these precious years with your daughter and also so you don’t continue to slouch, deteriorate your spine and shrink from your already below average height.”   

I hate Thingie.

Now we move onto testing more balancing ability.  I’m accused again, of not only being unbalanced, but questioned;  “Do you fall down while trying to walk?”  So Thingie knows about my affection for wine too.  This isn’t software, it’s black magic.

“I will now calculate your Wii age. Calibrating....” You’ve got to be shitting me.  My ‘Wii age?’  I’ve own this piece of shit equipment for what? three hours and it’s going to tell me how old I am based on my ability to stand upright and my poor choice in clothing attire?  

You’re Wii age is:  45.  

Kijiji Posting:

“Free to good home; gently used Wii Fit with original box.  Possible calibration issues.  Will not be delivered, but you can pick it up on my curb.  First come, gets this judgmental piece of crap.”