21 Grams

In November, I decided to try a little experiment on myself.  The timing of this particular decision came after a busy and ‘festive‘ monkey-less weekend whereby I happily hopped from one social event to another, the whole blessed weekend long.  Driving home that Sunday afternoon; my liver slumped over in the passenger’s seat, exhausted, bloated and evidently colossally pissed at me, I realized that just maybe it was time to re-adjust my lifestyle.   

For the record, I’m a pretty health-conscious person.  I would say I’m educated on the topic of health, meaning I know enough to be dangerous and moderately irritating when answering even the simplest of health related questions.  I eat well, take enough vitamins to choke a dog, drink lots of water, exercise (more sporadically than regularly as of late),  always take the stairs over the elevator, I don’t drin....pfffftbahahhahaha! yeah, okay....obviously there was room for improvement.  I already knew I didn’t get enough sleep and rest is certainly a foreign concept at GGM.  After all, what does one get accomplished when one rests anyway?  However, stress had been taking it’s toll on me and after many months of pushing my limits without granting some downtime to regenerate, I was starting to feel the effects. Therefore, the time had come to enforce some ‘clean livin’.

It is customary for me to launch into something ill prepared and overly enthusiastic.  Nothing can ever be half way or half assed in my opinion, you gotta go all the way, regardless of how ridiculously unachievable the end goal may be.  That is why I’ve become a glorious quitter of things.  For whatever reason, maybe the wine marinating my grey matter or perhaps being the wise and omnipotent age of 40 but I decided (smartly) to only do this for a limited time.  I settled for 2 weeks. That meant all the little things that I attempted intermittently over the past year would be enforced and/or avoided for 14 days.  No sugar, no alcohol, no carbs, only whole foods.  I allowed caffeine to stay simply because homicide was an unwanted side effect of this experiment while maintained employment was required.  I imposed a strict bedtime of 10:30, yoga, running, weights and meditation.  Oh! And I would think only pure thoughts...my liver decided to move back into the house for a trial period.  

I immediately wanted to celebrate my decision with a glass of wine.  

By day three, I had a dull headache and a ringing in my ears that wouldn’t leave. Yoga was challenging with ‘Good Dog’ assuming it was playtime every time I went into downward dog.  The monkey moaned for me to ‘please make something that tastes like food a kid would eat.’ I persevered.  Friends ridiculed my decision asking ‘why did I want to live to 110 if I would be this boring?’  I got left off of at least one fabulous dinner party guest list.  My liver applauded my efforts.  And since I was so wise, and healthy and so damn bored, I decided to make a serious attempt at meditation. 

A counsellor told me a few years ago that I needed meditate, that it would be important for me to re-gain balance and centredness.  While agreed in principle, I didn’t exactly know how to go about doing this.  So, I thought about being balanced and centred while I did other things, liked cleaning or listening to my iPod, or having a glass of wine.  Apparently that is not correct meditation protocol.  My counsellor then advised me to sit still in a room, with NO music or cleaning or wine;  just close my eyes and think of nothing.  I asked for how long.  She sighed and told me 30 minutes.  I negotiated her down to 15.  So that’s what I did.  I went home and that night, set the kitchen timer for 15 minutes and FORCED myself to think about NOTHING.  Apparently forcing yourself to think of nothing is like trying to force yourself to stop laughing in church or getting a 6 year old go to sleep Christmas Eve.  Mental note:  Forcing Meditation is an oxymoron.

But I was determined during my ‘clean livin’ experiment that I was going to make a serious run at meditation and by that, I needed my brain to buy in, so I kept telling myself ‘hey there Big Giant Head, no pressure on the meditation thing, kay?  Just give ‘er a go, see how it turns out.  Whatev! Peace’.  It worked. I had actually created a pure ‘vacant space’ in my day and it was glorious. I tried it again and again. It was seductive and addictive.  I wanted more vacant space.

As the two weeks of my clean livin’ experiment came to an end, I noticed a profound shift take place in me.  Yes, health-wise I felt better, clothes fit better, mentally I was certainly more alert and calmer and sure, my liver reclaimed its rightful home in my body, but yet there was an intangible essence in the air. I didn’t know what it was.

That two week period was essentially the prequel for this journey.  Those modest and short-lived meditation sessions set something in motion inside me that’s been stirring restlessly ever since.  Although I can’t put my finger on it, I’ve noticed previous ‘less than positive’ habits and behaviours just don’t fit as comfortably as they once did.  I’m developing a greater intolerance to negativity.  I actually listen when my gut tries to tell me something.  I’m learning to protect my heart.  I take more notice of my surroundings. I feel more here.

Dr. Duncan MacDougall concluded in his 1907 research that an average soul weighs approximately 21 grams.  I plan on gaining more than just the average.  After all, I don’t do anything half assed.